i used to really be into theology and biblical research. today it is derided as a waste of time but even many athiests research the bible for historical, cultural, and narriative purposes. "the greatest story ever told" does not put into words how great the bible has been as a research piece for story telling. beyond that though i have found much more to be interested in.

in college i took a small class on world religions. it was very meh, would pass over it if given another chance (it was mostly the instructor who wasn't good), but there was a day there that had me thinking about syncretic religions and conversion. we were researching some local indonesian culture who claimed they were christian but still held on to old pagan beliefs. i don't remember the specifics but they still maintained their fetishist icons and that human spirits would still be held in their bodies if they didn't die at home, with the idols watching over them. a family kept their grandfather's corspe in his bed for around a month i believe. obviously completley outside of even whatever protestant nonsense the dutch preached to them 70 years ago, but they still held onto it. would not call them christian in the slightest. at most they created some new pagan belief, holding onto the old gods while also brining in a new one. anyways besides all that, it makes me wonder if most first generation converters tcan really give up their past beliefs fully. obviously some really do give up everything for the faith, but most people like to stick with what's familiar. hopefully they give up enough to be saved.

ever since i was a child i remember being enamored with christian theology. even growing up switching between protestant sects with my mother and catholic masses with my father i have always had this gut feeling of truth in it all. ended up sticking with the RCC, but yet between back then and now i have grown and fallen from faith several times. my last rebound into zealously was around when i was 17 and 18, but my situation and lack of resolve ended up with me searching for other routes for fufillment. i haven't ever been able to shake a feeling of chosing the wrong path since then, and i don't think i have truly lost my faith since then, but deciding to go back would take some disipline with how much i've gotten myself in. at this point i feel like i'm closer to permament reversion as ever, but i just need one last push to get me there

i haven't ever been swayed by the usual arguements against the church or faith itself and have always found them to be weak attempts as gotchyas. why does a good god allow bad things to happen? although a good question to ask, the problem of evil is not a new idea and has been argued for centuries, even by doctors of the church. off of that, asking why can one thing be seen as okay in certain culture be divinely forbidden just nullifies that arguement to me. god forbids both murder and homosexual relationships, they are both grave sins. yet both still happen, both are seen as evil by the church (and both can still be repented), and only one today is still seen as universally immoral. evil things happen within the church hiearchy. asking why do evil things happen under a good god isn't just asking why do poor children die hungry, it's asking why do people get away with deviancy too. so i don't see it as a arguement against the existence of god, i see it as a question on the behavior of god and how free will can lead men astray. another is contraception, an extremely weak arguement. why does the church forbid condoms if it doesn't hurt anyone? it's as simple as just reading a logic tree. sex is seen as a bond between a husband and wife that should always be open for the possibility of children. a condom breaks that possibility. the same can be applied to same-sex marriage, even just ignoring the sodomy aspect (which also effects heterosexual relations). two men or two women cannot have children. in the bible it is called for belivers to populate the earth, and going against that is going against intrinsic christian belief. and progressive christian leaders wonder why their membership rates are dropping. cutting out bits and pieces that are the foundation of your faith and tossing them into a bin to try and hush away allows for others to do the same for any other building block, which eventually leads to people to justify to themselves that they don't have to do anything to prove their faith to god other than vaguely believe in some sort of deity.

i don't believe hell is a physical eternal torement that is depicted in art and fiction, but rather as a mental one. not mental as in what we're used to, but more akin to dread. hell is the one place in reality where god does not show himself in any form. even satan (who is not the despot of hell as he's shown in pop-culture) is under that torment. all good things come from god, and he is absent from hell. there lies no reason that anyone in hell is being ripped to shreads by some mythological dog for eternity, with just the lack of god's presence being enough of a pain to bear. in the end i can't really know for certain that this is right, but the way i've learned to see it is hell is akin to a spanking you get after you do something wrong, it is a place where you know you screwed up and that your saving grace is gone forever, and you have to face the reality you've put yourself in